Pooping in Japan: An Intermediate Guide

Welcome back to our special series on defecating in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Welcome back to our special series on defecating in the Land of the Rising Sun. For those of you who missed the Beginner’s Guide, click here to view that important primer.

Behold the rustic countryside toilet! Ideal for every bumpkin’s bunghole!

Step 1

Squat over the miniscule bowl.

Step 2

Attempt to situate yourself comfortably within the tiny space provided.

Step 3

Repeat Step 2 until your legs go numb.

Now you’re ready to begin.

Step 4

For quick and easy results, pull down trousers to knees only.

For those of you seeking a more authentic backwoods experience, or simply wishing to hit two birds with one stone, pull down trousers to ankles so you can use the toilet while simultaneously shitting your pants.

That’s a two for one special.

Step 5

Remember, the English word “bescumber” means “to spray with shit.”

Try not to bescumber the crapper slippers.

Or your feet.

As your benumbed legs burn and swivel in agony, this will become increasingly difficult. Remember, in ancient Japan where this horrendous shitter hails from, failure equals death.

That’s how a turtle-headed samurai do.

Step 6

For those of you observing the prune-juice power-diet, or alternatively suffering from ass-grenade, it is recommended that you bring a mop and squeegee.

You’re gonna get bescumbered.

Step 7

Bonus points if your poo actually lands in the bowl.

If it does, the small size of the bowl will make your turds look humongous. This can be alarming under the circumstances, so remain calm.

Step 8

Flush repeatedly, since the toilet’s gentle, zen-fountain-like water trickle cannot move your freakishly gigantic turds.

Step 9

Contemplate wadding up toilet paper to help “escort” your brown trout to the drain.

Step 10

Wad up toilet paper, and escort your brown trout to the drain.

Step 11

Continue repeated flushing.

Step 12

Wipe hastily, since your legs are about to give out. Brace yourself awkwardly against the wall, vaguely pawing at your asshole with a wad of paper.

Step 13

Wedge paper into your asscrack so you can give up and just take care of it in the shower later.

Step 14

Attempt to stand, forgetting to pull up pants.

Stumble gracelessly into wall, incurring minor injuries to face and groin.

Step 15

Wash hands in the weird toilet-sink, and limp pitifully from the shitter.

You’re done!

Good luck! And happy pooping!